A wise woman once said, “somewhere between living and dreaming, there’s New York”. It wasn’t until long ago I started to really live in New York, and I can start by saying New York is what you make of it. Growing up watching The Carrie Diaries, Gossip Girl and most recently Sex and The City, I could only imagine the wonders New York had and still has in store for me. Being 15 and finally starting to take the subway on my own meant freedom. I was only a 30 minute ride on the 6 train to the Manhattan of my dreams, the place I had the prettiest view of from my 28th floor apartment in the Bronx. Of course I had gone there before, from seeing the Tree at Rockefeller to visiting Church on Easter Sunday, but this time the island of Manhattan was mine to explore.
Visiting my best friend’s new job at Union Square was my starting point of exploration. I was quick to see that it was very similar to where i’m from- not very Carrie Bradshaw. It felt familiar, almost like home- which is so not what we are looking for. As I would wait for her to finish her shift, I venture off to some more extravagant streets like fifth ave- thanks to google maps of course. I see the flashy shops and luxury hotels I’ve only ever seen on my t.v. screen. Mesmerizing. Day by day that summer, I would explore every inch of the East side I could think of.
What the t.v. shows and movies I’ve watched didn’t show was the agony of taking the subway day to day. I know I know, it’s not about the destination it’s about the journey- well not for a New Yorker. It’s about getting to where you need to be without having your commute interrupted. I had now been pulled into this rush that all New Yorkers seem to always be in. I would walk quickly past the guy playing the guitar which made a lovely song, or would not even turn my head for the homeless. I often have headphones in with no music playing, just so no strangers talk to me. Going to Manhattan itself became a full time job, and I was not even getting paid overtime.
My oh so Carrie life had vanished, in came my dreaded reality of school then work, work then school. My reality of living had been brought to Manhattan, my dream land.
I had never hated where I am from, I actually take great pride in it. Living in a lower class neighborhood, I never experienced growing up around what is often thought about the Bronx. The violence in the streets often associated with the Bronx was not my reality, neither was the crime surrounding it. Thankfully to my parents who immigrated here from Europe, I never grew up having to worry about if there was food on the table, and much like what Meghan Daum says in My Misspent Youth, I never saw us as having less than others, “Unlike the neighbors, who had expensive wall-to-wall carpet and furniture sets from Seaman’s, we had wood floors and oriental rugs, and I grew up believing that we were superior because of it.” (10). Meghan and I share this mindset, we don’t see what we don’t have but rather what we do. This was a crucial part of my reality, and the thing is that it wasn’t a bad reality. I loved our little two bedroom apartment which was so high up we could see planes flying so close, and even see fireworks eye level in the air on the Fourth of July. I love walking into my deli ordering a bacon egg and cheese, but saying it so fast it sounds like one word baconeggandcheese. This is something you can only understand if you’re from my New York, not the one served to you on a shiny silver platter.
The reality is, when you start to let go of the dream life you had planned, you end up settling for something less. I was determined to not make this happen. “Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies” (Carrie Bradshaw), and that’s just what New York City once gave me. I listed all the things I find wrong about the city, like the staggering amount of homeless people who fill the streets. Something about the city that my t.v. shows had not prepared me for, was coming face to face with this problem every commute I get on. Why is it that us New Yorkers bow our heads and turn the other way to those begging for help? Is it because that’s just what we see everyone else in the subway cart doing? What I have noticed is when one person gives, a few more are likely to as well. This helped me acknowledge the truths that come along with my dream Manhattan. I let go of things that scared me about the city, like leaving work and going home at night time. Instead, I decide to pause and look at all the life around me, the lights all over showing me that in this city you never walk in the dark alone. I list things I love about the city, like the diversity and endless places to go. I started remembering why this was such a magical place to me once before.
With dreams now separated from reality, how can my New York still remain as special? It can really, it just changed its outfit a few times. My Carrie dreams of New York are alive and well, big ones too! Being faced with the reality of the city only prepared me for what’s next to come. Having a negative look on anything will soil your experience of it. I choose to look on the brighter side of it, New York is not perfect. Like everything else, she is flawed- and what a shame on us for not seeing her true beauty sooner.
